The Lighter Side of Sports at ColinCosell.com

The Summer of 2010 has been a scorcher for the NYC/CT area, so much so that it decided to carry it’s hotness into September. Personally, I hope it passes in time for Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal to FINALLY meet in the US Open Finals without some sort of injury or heat stroke negating their respective runs. Oh wait…that’s right… There’s a hurricane coming that will level out the temperature and make things right in the world of tennis. I’m with Roger, by the way, but that’s besides the point. Actually, there is no point to this blog. I just wanted to talk about a blah sports week and throw Hurricane Earl into the mix.

Speaking of which…what the hell is up with Long Island getting hit by boring-named storms? 19 years ago, it was Bob. Hurricane Bob. How unassuming is that?!? Now it’s Earl, as in “My Name is Earl”. Oy… Long Island deserves better than THAT. How about “Hurricane Kick-Ass Mofo” or “Hurricane Cheney” — you know…something destructive and evil.

By the way, can you tell how uninterested I’ve been with this week’s sporting events? This is what it’s come down to…Bob vs. Earl, and Earl seems to be nothing special anyway…

Somebody wake me when it gets interesting…because it certainly has become dull in the world of sports this week — sorry, NFL preseason…and Roger Clemens… At least the Yankees keep winning!

"Never you mind, sports world. Earl has got your back!"

Professional and star golfer Jim Furyk was disqualified from The Barclays PGA tournament because he overslept and missed his Pro-Am tee time. This amuses me because, if there’s one thing I’ve mastered as a human being, it’s being able to sleep. When I’m in a deep slumber and am able to sleep in, there’s nothing in the world that could wake me up (see: nuclear holocaust). However, I’m up and at ‘em when I’ve got something to do — especially when it’s something important or brings in a paycheck. Therefore, Furyk’s sleeping SNAFU makes me feel a little bit better about my sleep-ability while taking a pro athlete down to my civilian level.

And now, when someone asks how I slept last night, I can tell them that “I slept like a pro golfer” — given that I slept well. Pretty sweet.

"Always set the alarm, Jim! ALWAYS set the alarm!!!"

Washington Nationals  pitching sensation Stephen Strasburg has a torn ligament in his right arm which will require Tommy John Surgery. There are two reasons it pains me to write this. One is that I hate to see such a young, incredibly talented pitching sensation have to face possible career-altering surgery during his rookie season. The impact and performance that kid made during his Major League debut was something truly special; a definite highlight from the 2010 season. The second reason it pains me is that I’d like to see the Nationals do well. They’re young, scrappy and kind of fun. Also, a good friend of mine has season tickets and really gives it his all at games (he can be seen dancing, wearing face paint or occasionally donning one of those head-to-toe body suits in the Nationals red). That same friend is also an avid reader of this blog, so I suppose it’s rather symbiotic in a scratch mine/scratch yours kind of way.

Regardless, I sincerely hope Strasburg joins the %75 of those who have undergone Tommy John surgery and made a full recovery. I’d really like to see what this kid turns into.

"See ya next year, kiddo!"

Rivalries are fun, aren’t they, kids? Trash-talking, player-bashing and jersey-flaunting galore. Pride and bragging rights are on the line. Yankees and Red Sox, Cowboys and Eagles, Rangers and Islanders, Lakers and Celtics?!? Sweet baby jeebus, there’s nothing more entertaining for sports fans than a good, heated rivalry…except, of course, for their preferred team winning a championship, but that goes without saying. However, what happens when actual employees of those rival teams start talking trash about each other? Oh man…THEN the rivalry gets REALLY heated.

Or so you’d think…

The war of words between Jets coach Rex Ryan and Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is, well, just plain silly. It reminds me of caddy high school girls. If you don’t know already, HBO is doing a documentary show about the New York Jets called “Hard Knocks” and Tom Brady was asked if he’s going to watch it. Brady very bluntly said “I hate the Jets, so I refuse to support that show.” Real mature, right? Enter Coach Ryan. Not to be outdone, Rex said, ““He already knows that we hate the Patriots…so what’s the difference? My brother’s got a couple Super Bowl rings. He loves Tom Brady. But I don’t have them, so I don’t like Tom Brady. I respect him, but I don’t like him.”

At least Rex was man enough to give out a little respect…but…wow. This rivalry has gone from heated to high school in one day’s worth of trash-talk swapping. As a Jets fan I’m very disappointed, especially going into a season that holds the most promise Jets fans have had in decades. September 19th, when the Jets and Pats collide, should be a barometer for AFC dominance. Instead, it’s going to be riddled with those aforementioned caddy quotes. Oy…

Then again, maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way. Caddy, high school girl behavior? I suppose it’s kind of fitting, given the fact that Ryan is using Hollywood techniques to lose weight while Brady dresses in designer clothes and sports a Justin Bieber-esque hairdo. Oh well…cheers to the cat-fights to come!

"Whatever happened to 'good game, coach'; 'eat sh!t and die, pig' trash-talking!?!"

It’s not even 3 weeks before the start of the NFL season and Cincinnati Bengal receiver Chad Ochocinco has been fined for foolishness. What’s the crime this time? Making use of his Twitter account in the middle of a game. That’s right, the man was fine $25,000 for tweeting during the second half of a preseason game against the Philadelphia Eagles. Did I mention the fact that this man is a professional athlete? Shocking, I know. Naturally, this begs the question: what the hell could have been so important and tweet-worthy? Here’s the culprit:

“Man Im sick of getting hit like that , its the damn preseason [naughty language]! 1day I’m gone jump up and start throwing hay makers , #Tylenolplease,”

Yup…that’s what was so important, it couldn’t wait another hour. 25 words. $1,000 a pop. $25,000, made out to the NFL via check or money order. But WAIT! It gets better. Ochocinco then went on to apologize to the NFL — VIA TWITTER!!! Here’s his apology tweet:

“Dear NFL I apologize for tweeting during the game but that was 2 monthsof my Bugatti payments you just took from me,I won’t do it again”

How’s that for sincerity? The poor guy is going to have to scrape together some other money to pay for his Bugatti — because he decided to tweet in the middle of a game. Well, guess what, Chad — there’s a time and place to tweet, and you’re not getting paid MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO DO IT DURING A GAME.

What a pompous idiot…

"Call me AFTER the game -- or just check out my tweets if you can't wait!"

It is official: Tiger and Elin Woods are divorced. The get joint custody and Elin gets her maiden name back, which means I have to start over…ya know…out of respect to Elin. Hell if I’m getting a 9-iron beat-down for calling her the wrong name. Ahem. Okay. Take 2.

It is official: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are divorced. They get joint custody of their 2 kids and Miss Nordegren receives $100 million dollars from Tiger. Apparently, when they signed the documents this morning, not a word nor acknowledgement was said or given between them. Just got it over with, lickity-split, and called it a day. However, they DID release this joint statement:

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.”

That statement is as heartfelt as Tiger’s mega mea culpa press conference and about as believable as Roger Clemens before Congress. Here’s what I think they really meant to say:

Tiger: “Time to hit the links. Enjoy my hundred-mill, psycho.”

Elin: “Go f#@% yourself and your future.”

Now, I know it’s in poor taste to poke fun at a broken marriage…or, maybe that it used to be in poor taste before divorce became more rampant that marriage… But, regardless of poor taste (or not), I merely wanted to put this puppy to bed on a humorous note. After all, Tiger’s infidelity clogged enough of our news sources and outlets for what seemed like an eternity. In fact, I’ll give you a parting shot under the guise of a positive spin:

Now that this silly divorce is over with, Tiger can focus on his game and be the greatest sex-addicted golfer of all time! FINALLY! Watching him in a tournament will be interesting again!

Oh, and, seriously…best of luck in the future, Ms. Nordegren.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Tiger -- now you've got street cred with other famous jocks!"

I, for one, thoroughly enjoy a nice, cold beer (or 6) during any given sporting event. I firmly believe that sports and beer go hand-in-hand like A-Rod and hot blondes. However, I do my heaviest sports-related drinking while in the comfort of my own home, a friend’s home or my favorite sports bar. After all, why spend all that money on tickets to a game, only to get too wasted and not be able to enjoy the actual game itself because you’re passing out or starting fights?

To hammer this point home, here’s a video of a baseball fan who got too hammered to enjoy the game. 3 things about this video make me smile: 1) The security guard can’t wake the guy 2) The Tampa Bay Rays’ mascot takes things into his own fuzzy hands and 3) Somebody had the wherewithal to record the whole thing. I hope everyone learns a valuable lesson from this moron who, by the way, had GREAT SEATS!!!:

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron “A-Rod” Rodgers throws the old pigskin a whopping 60 yards into a small target. Although impressive, I was more entertained by his WWE-style celebration:

Roger Clemens used to be heralded as one of the greatest pitchers of all time, if not the greatest. Then he made an ass of himself in front of Congress, let alone the entire sports world, by flat-out lying about his steroid/performance-enhancing drug use. Now he’s facing indictment from a federal grand jury for those very lies.

Oops!

With exception to an equally big jackass named Barry Bonds, at least all the other guys who have been caught actually fessed up and have been able to move on with their careers. They seamlessly carry on, asterisks in tow, while baseball fans sweep this nasty little era under the rug…until, of course, the Hall of Fame comes knocking. And even when Cooperstown comes calling, at least those players will be able to read and hear about it from the confines of their home and not a prison cell.

You blew it, Roger, and now this “Rocket” looks more like the Space Shuttle Challenger. This certainly isn’t the way you wanted to be “misremembered”…

"Houston, we have a problem..."

Okay, Mets fans. I understand you’re frustrated with the way this season has gone. I know that the recent assault incident involving closing pitcher Francisco “K-Rod” Rodriguez has pushed a lot of you over the edge. Hell, it’s even pushed the Mets organization to the point of essentially severing ties with K-Rod. However, there’s something you should know about that whole situation involving K-Rod assaulting his girlfriend’s father, Carlos Pena.

There are two sides to almost every story, and this one is no different. Sure, we all know that K-Rod has a short fuse and an explosive temper. However, what if that fuse was lit and set off that temper with good reason? As it turns out, K-Rod had every right to beat the crap out of that guy. According to my sources inside the Mets organization, Carlos Pena had been fraudulently charging things to K-Rod’s credit card and, when K-Rod confronted him about it, Mr. Pena started talking trash about K-Rod’s family. Keep in mind the fact that Mr. Pena lives in a house and drives a car owned by K-Rod. Naturally and understandably, this sent Mr. Rodriguez into a furious rage. The rest, much like K-Rod’s 2010 season, is history.

So there you have it, Mets fans. Perhaps your rage, although perfectly warranted, should be aimed at Jerry Manuel or Omar Minaya. Sure, K-Rod has been a disappointment…but, if my sources are correct, he did the right thing by pounding Carlos Pena. His only true regret should be the fact that he got injured while handing out some tough justice.

Was it worth it? HELL YEAH!